BUMPER STICKERS SIGHTED THROUGHOUT THE WORLD

• Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• We are Microsoft.  Resistance Is Futile.  You Will Be Assimilated!!
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
• No Radio - Already stolen!
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
• I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
• Cover me, I'm changing lanes.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
• How Can I Miss You If You Wont Go Away!!!

 

 

GRANMA SPEAKS HER MIND

A lawyer called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven’t brains to realise you will never amount anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know the lawyer for the defence?"

She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr.Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me.  He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire city. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both lawyers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

 

Quotes       

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.  What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower????"   Warren Hutcherson.


"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."  Jerry Seinfeld.

 

Things we can learn from the Movies.       

1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2. All telephone numbers in America begin with the numbers 555
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread stick.
4. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
5. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
6. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
7. A detective can only solve the case once he has been suspended from duty.
8. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
9. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
11. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
12.  

Some thing to make you think

Q.1)        Kerry Queen, a professional writer, was sitting in his cabin writing a letter. There was a violent electrical storm outside and suddenly Kerry died. How did he die????

Q.2)        Shadow discovered Sandy lying on her side in a puddle of water and broken glass. When the doctor arrived he pronounced her dead. Since Sandy had no cuts on her body, how did she die???

Q.3)        Professor Quantum has two coins, which total 30 cents. Since one of the coins is not a 10-cent piece, what are the two coins?????

Q.4)        How many of each species did Moses take onto the ark with him?????

Q.5)        The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it, and the user doesn't see it.  What is it???????

Q.6)        What is at the beginning of eternity, the end of time, the beginning of every end, and the end of every place?????

Q.7)        Sam Slug got out of jail and pushed his car to the Park Lane Hotel. When he arrived he realized he was bankrupt. How could his financial disaster be explained?????

Q.8)        You are locked in a square room with no way out that you can see.  On the wall are two buttons. You know that one button will instantly blow up the room and you with it. The other button will set you free, but you do not know which button is which.  Next to each button is standing a robot.  You know that one robot always tells the truth, and the other one always lies; but you do not know which one is which.  You are allowed to ask one robot one question in order to find your way out, what is the question?

E-mail me with what you think is the answer mailto:chaplaindude@bigpond.com

 

 

A teacher asked his high school seniors to express in writing the most valuable thing they believed they would take with them after twelve years of study.  He was not at all encouraged by the response of one scholar: "I am real great full to all the teachers who hav contribut to my exsullent edumacation"

A mother overheard her son saying his prayers before going to sleep: ".....and please make Sydney the capital of Victoria."    She didn't want to intrude, but she had to find out the reason behind such a strange petition.  "Why are you praying for Sydney to be the capital of Victoria?" she asked softly. "Because that's what I answered on my geography test."

You never get something for nothing, although it may take awhile for the billing statement to arrive.

An angry reader phoned the editor of the local newspaper. : This morning's edition reports me as being dead!" he shrieked.   After a moment of silence, the editor asked, "Where are you calling from?"